


say its over (say im dreaming)

by Tazmaster



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Accidental Cuddling, Angst, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Civil War (Marvel), Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 03:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16360148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tazmaster/pseuds/Tazmaster
Summary: “Let me see if I can help fill in the blanks,” He offers as Bucky takes the journal and pen out of his hands. He flips through the pages, suddenly kinda embarrassed about the sloppiness of it. Sam doesn’t seem to mind, isn’t even looking at the pages, just staring at Bucky as he sifts through his memories.





	say its over (say im dreaming)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from [before it breaks - brandi carlile](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6Xr67cTzwE)

When he comes out of cryo, part of him hopes that someone would come to visit him. They were probably knee deep in shit, he thinks. The clearest memory Bucky has is of Stark ripping off his arm. Stings in his mind like a fresh wound. He remembers leaning on Steve, blood dripping from his lips, trying not to pass out. Bucky looks at the sash over his missing arm and asks her how much time has passed.

“About three weeks,” Shuri tells him, looking out at the water. “I’m afraid I can’t give you much details about what's happening with your friends, you could ask my brother if you wish.”

In Wakanda, they’d picked all the pieces of the Winter Soldier out of his head, but the memories were still Bucky’s. Always had been and always would be. Just because he couldn’t remember them at the time never meant they weren’t there.

The memories would play back in his head at night. He was a ghost watching someone that looked like himself bash someone's head into a car door. It wasn’t him. _Yes, it was._ It was never him.

He has the nightmares even when he’s not sleeping, like when you watch a movie and the disk is scratched so it stops halfway through and starts again. Except in this case, Bucky’s mind is fucked and the memories stop halfway when he opens his eyes and start again when they close.

-

Bucky enjoys the company, Shuri is clever and funny. She takes him to her lab somedays, for check ups and what not. T’Challa would come in and ask her questions, tease her as well. It reminds Bucky of him and Steve, before he was a soldier.

He ends up asking T’Challa about what’s happened in the past weeks. The king tells him about Steve, Sam and Natasha. About how they’ve went under the radar in their own strike team. It doesn’t surprise Bucky in the slightest, he just hopes they come back soon. T’Challa assures him that they know he’s awake and have made plans to visit him as soon as possible.

The king also tells him about what’s happened in Wakanda, about how he almost died and had to take back the throne from his cousin. It’s just a lot of bad, Bucky thinks. He puts a hand on T’Challa’s shoulder, not sure if he can but does it anyway. He gives him an appreciative nod in return, a faint smile on his lips.

-

By this time, T'Challa and Shuri offer him a proper room in their facilities, to which Bucky thanks them, but he enjoys sleeping in the hut.

Bucky helps the locals near his small hut cook every night, it's the least he can do for them after they cared for him. They are warm and welcoming, being extremely patient with him when he asks questions about what they were making or how to make it. He also loves the little kids, entertains them while their parents are working or venturing out.

“What happened to your arm?” One of them points out one day, poking the patterned sash he wears over it. Bucky tries to comb his mind, trying to remember anything. Sometimes it’s like this, his memories fade away and then come back like he’s reliving them. There are days he can remember and others he can’t. Bucky knows he should know, a normal person should know when they lost a part of their body, but the pieces aren’t connecting. He can’t seem to make them fit.

“Wrestled a bear and won.” He finds himself saying and gives the kid a winning smile. His eyes grow wide, as if Bucky just told him he could fly. Bucky weaves an elaborate tale for him, about how his car ran out of gas in the middle of the woods and he had to fight the bear to survive. The kid runs off to tell his other friends.

“Did you guys know Bucky wrestled a bear?”

After that, he takes up writing. Asks Shuri for a journal and a pen and just writes. It’s slow to start, relearning how to write with his right arm. His writing comes out messy. He writes every memory he can remember, even the bad ones. Writes down Steve’s birthday, July 4th, which is easy but can’t remember the year right now. Writes down under it the time that Steve and him went to the art museum for his 17th birthday. Goes to another page and writes about the man with wings. It helps.

He thinks that guys name was Sam.

-

His name is Sam.

Sam is the first one to visit him, says that Steve and Natasha still have things to settle. It’s still too dangerous.

“How come you don’t move into the guest rooms?” Sam asks him as they’re walking through the grass. Bucky just shrugs, thinks it wouldn’t be appropriate to mention the fact he can’t really sleep anymore. He loves to sit out early in the morning everyday to watch the sunrise. Wakanda helps with the memories, makes him feel real. Everything about the place makes him feel like he’s breathing.

“You can see the sunrise better,” Bucky tells him, looking up at the sky. “Can’t see it as well when you’re inside.”

“I wouldn’t have pegged you for a sentimental type.” Sam teases and his smile makes Bucky’s chest a little tight. He can’t remember the last time anyone’s really smiled at him like that.

Bucky responds with, “I’m not sentimental. It’s just pretty.” Thinks about how he kept a sketch Steve did of him in his pocket for who knows how long. Almost washed it with his clothes on accident he doesn’t know how many times. Keeps that to himself though and Sam is still looking at him like he knows he’s lying through his teeth.

“Steve is still beating himself up about not being able to come,” He mentions when they get to the river. “He thought it’d be easier for me to visit instead, I’m not exactly Captain America or Widow, you know? He’s been worried sick about you.”

They sit down together, a soft breeze surrounding them like a comforting blanket. Bucky thinks he could probably stay here forever, hopes he can, knows he won’t.

“Right,” He replies finally, tucking his long hair behind his ear. “I don’t know why after all these years Steve is still protecting me.” He doesn’t realize he’s saying it, but it’s out now and Sam looks at him intently.

“You guys are best friends,” Pauses for a moment. “I know I would’ve done anything for Riley.”

The name doesn’t ring a bell, should he know it? _Even if you did, it’s gone now._ He should ask.

-

Dinner with Sam is nice, easy, even.

Sam insists on eating with him, “I swear, Cryofreeze. You know nothing about hospitality.” He says with that really nice smile of his. They climb into his hut and Bucky is sitting on his bed, back against the wall while Sam sits against the opposite wall. A small lit lantern casts a warm glow over the space as they eat their stew.

“So, it’s---” Sam gestures to his head. Bucky nods and eats another spoonful. “How much do you remember?”

“I still got the memories, those are all mine, but The Winter Soldier… yeah, he’s gone.” Now it’s Sam’s turn to nod. “I still have a hard time remembering things though. Started keepin’ journals.” He lifts his spoon and points it at a small stack of notebooks near his bed. “Couldn’t remember who you were for the life of me until a few days ago. Memories come back and then they are gone again, like even without the HYDRA shit in my head I keep getting reset.”

Sam’s expression softens in the warm light, eyes widen a bit like he wasn’t even expecting Bucky to reply. He puts his bowl down next to him and moves towards Bucky’s journals. Bucky shoots a warning look at him as he picks one up along with a pen. Sam doesn’t open it, just sits next to him, so close that their shoulders are touching and holds them out to Bucky.

“Let me see if I can help fill in the blanks,” He offers as Bucky takes the journal and pen out of his hands. He flips through the pages, suddenly kinda embarrassed about the sloppiness of it. Sam doesn’t seem to mind, isn’t even looking at the pages, just staring at Bucky as he sifts through his memories. _Almost everything I know is in these pages._

-

He wakes up to Sam’s soft snoring, feels his chest rising and falling beneath him. His heart beats in Bucky’s ear and his arm is slung loosely around Bucky’s shoulders, like they do this every night.

Bucky feels like he’s invading, like he shouldn’t be allowed to be this close to Sam. Doesn’t deserve to be, he thinks.

He carefully slips out of his grasp, gently pulling the covers over Sam. He looks through his notebook. About ten new pages of information in his journal and a list of things he has to catch up on, courtesy of Sam. He gets up and peeks through the curtains of his hut, lifting his arm to shield his eyes from the brightness.

Looks like Bucky missed the sunrise today.

**Author's Note:**

> this poured out after i fell in love with these two
> 
> thank you for reading! comments and such are appreciated!
> 
> check out my [twitter](http://twitter.com/tazisthemaster) and [tumblr](http://xandars.tumblr.com)


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